As an Elder Care Mediator, families often reach out to me for help when adult children have different opinions about what’s best for their aging parents, e.g. what care they need or where they should live. But lately I’ve been working with some families who disagree about a different topic: If some adult children live close to their parents and others live further away, should they be treated the same? Conflicts about this question can arise either between the adult siblings, or between the parent(s) and their children. Here are a couple of examples from my recent practice:
- When dad’s dementia got too much for mom to handle on her own, her daughter, husband and grandchildren decided to move into the parents’ home, so they could share caregiving duties. Before they made some investments to make the property suitable for all 3 generations, mom agreed with her two adult children that they would inherit equal shares of the family home based on its pre-renovation value. Although that seemed fair at the time, recent developments have put into question if the adult siblings should be treated the same. On the one hand, as both parents are getting older the live-in daughter’s caregiving responsibilities have increased to the point that they interfere with her work as an independent contractor. In addition, her brother decided to move from the West to the East Coast, so his wife would be close to her own aging parents and his family could live more affordably. As a result of these changed circumstances, the local daughter is asking to be paid for her caregiving services, while her brother thinks living rent-free in their parents’ home is compensation enough. Now mom feels stuck in the middle, because she remains committed to treating her children equally. But is that fair under the circumstances?
- Another family is facing similar challenges: Again, mom is the main caregiver for a husband with dementia and increasingly overwhelmed by the responsibility. Her daughter originally contacted me, because she would like her dad to move into a memory care community, which her parents’ Long Term Care Insurance would pay for. However, her mother thinks her husband should stay at home and has reluctantly agreed to hire part time in-home caregivers. Once I met with the mother, I discovered another underlying conflict: Although the sister gets along with her brother, mom has tensions with him, because he doesn’t help her and her husband as much as she would like. Mom has very different expectations of her two children, because her son and his wife live nearby and are retired and childless. Meanwhile his younger sister lives over an hour away and is juggling demands from her job, husband, and children. The son is feeling resentful, because from his perspective, he is getting demands from his mother while his sister gets appreciation for anything she does for her parents. Once again the question arises: Should mom treat both her children the same, or is it fair to have different expectations based on their different life circumstances?
I’m happy that I already facilitated a mediation session with the first family, in which the parties were able to hear and understand each other and reach some agreements how to fairly treat the adult siblings, considering their different lives and locations. I’m looking forward to my initial consultation with the brother in the second family and hope that he will agree to a joint mediation meeting as well.
Are you or a friend, colleague or client in conflict about what’s fair when adult children make very different contributions to their aging parents’ care? Please, ask them to call or text me at 510-356-7830 or e-mail [email protected], so I can offer them a complimentary confidential consultation to explore how a Facilitated Family Meeting or Mediation can help them reach agreements that feel balanced to all family members, regardless of their location and life circumstances.
Katharina W. Dress, M.A., Mediator / Facilitator / Conflict Coach
AGING IN HARMONY, Cell Phone: 510-356-7830
E-Mail: [email protected], Web: www.aginginharmony.com
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