Did you know that every year May is Older Americans Month, intended to recognize the contributions of older adults, highlight aging trends, and reaffirm commitments to serving them? As an Elder Care Mediator, I serve Seniors and their families by helping them resolve conflicts that often arise on the journey of aging. Tensions may arise either between the older generation and their adult children or grandchildren, or between adult siblings who disagree about what should happen to mom and/or dad or their estate.
I love facilitating Adult Family Mediations, because they can help families learn how to collaborate successfully at this difficult time in their lives. The process may take anywhere between 1 and about 6 half-day-long sessions. But what happens if one party withdraws after one or more joint meetings, before all issues have been resolved? Here are a couple of examples from my recent practice:
- A couple of adult siblings asked me for help, because they felt isolated from their aging mom and were concerned that her second husband was standing in the way of their relationship with her. During their first session with all four of them, they reached multiple agreements about their future communications and interactions and made a plan for a second session with me. Shortly before the day of the scheduled follow-up session, mom sent an e-mail to her children, informing them that she wanted to cancel the meeting and withdraw from the mediation process.
The siblings were very disappointed about their mom’s decision, but followed the communication agreements they had reached to request a Zoom meeting with mom and her husband without a mediator present. During that meeting, mom explained her reasons for withdrawing from mediation, but her husband expressed a willingness to consider attending a second mediation session without her. By now a follow-up session with me has been scheduled, which I hope will result in further agreements about how the siblings and their mom’s husband will work together in the future in mom’s best interest. - In another case, three adult children reached out to me for support, because they served as joint Powers of Attorney (POAs) for their dad’s Person (i.e. care) and estate (i.e. finances), but couldn’t agree regarding some decisions that needed to be made. Over the course of 4 sessions with me, the siblings reached many agreements and made a plan how they would discuss and make consensual decisions in future meetings without me, as new issues would come up. As part of the plan, the siblings agreed to rotate serving in the facilitator role for those meetings.
After trying the process during a 5th joint session with me serving as a coach for the facilitators, one of the siblings cancelled her participation in further sessions, because she did not trust that all of the siblings would be able to take on the role as neutral facilitators. Although the two other siblings were disappointed, they decided to participate in another session with me to continue discussing urgent issues and practice rotating the facilitator role. They are planning to follow through on their previous agreements regarding future meetings without me, but would really like to include their third sister again. In the meantime, she told me she’d participate in future meetings as needed only if I continued to facilitate. I’m wondering if the other two will agree?
Do you or a friend, colleague or client have family members in conflict about their Elders’ housing, care and/or finances, but don’t think all parties would be open to participating in Adult Family Mediation? Please, ask them to call or text me at 510-356-7830 or e-mail katharina@aginginharmony.com, so I can offer them a complimentary confidential consultation to explore how we may be able to enroll all relevant parties in the process or what alternatives I could offer to help them resolve their conflicts.
Katharina W. Dress, M.A., Mediator / Facilitator / Conflict Coach
AGING IN HARMONY, Cell Phone: 510-356-7830
E-Mail: katharina@aginginharmony.com, Web: www.aginginharmony.com
Helping Feuding Families Become Peaceful Partners –
In-Person, by Phone, or Online via Zoom
