As an Elder Care or Adult Family Mediator, I serve older adults and their families by helping them resolve conflicts that often arise on the journey of aging. Topics can range from housing to financial and health care issues and as far as Estate and End of Life planning. Sometimes the Elders and their adult children and/or grandchildren participate in the process, but often it’s only the children who are fighting about what should happen to mom and/or dad and the estate.
In almost 20 years serving as founder of AGING IN HARMONY, I’ve learned that the parties almost always reach agreements, as long as everyone involved in the conflict is willing to participate. But even if they reach an impasse, family members have assured me that they benefited from giving mediation a try. Here are the only two examples of families I worked with who could not find common ground:
- A second wife reached out to me, because she had Power of Attorney (POA) for her terminally ill husband’s healthcare and thought it was time to turn off his life support. Although she had the right to make this decision based on his Advance Health Care Directive, she wanted to invite her husband’s adult children from a first marriage to mediation, in order to include them in discussions about this most difficult choice.
Initially I felt optimistic that the family would be able to reach agreements about when and how to end their dad’s life support, because all his adult children agreed to participate in mediation. However, after each of them shared their observations about what was going on with dad and the conclusions they were drawing from those, one of the children could not support the decision that his wife was convinced her husband would want her to make. - More recently, an adult son contacted me, because he wanted to ask his siblings to discuss future housing and care options for their terminally ill dad. Within the last year, the family had decided to move dad to a Board and Care Home near the residence of the son who was seeking my help. At the time, the son had offered to be the point person for dad’s care if he were to live close to him. However, a few months after the move he discovered that this role was taking a greater toll on his physical, emotional and mental health than he could bare. But when he asked his siblings to consider moving dad closer to one of them, they said no.
Once again, I was hoping that the parties would be able to find a compromise that worked for everyone involved, because all of them readily agreed to participate in mediation. During our joint session, everyone listened closely to each sibling sharing how their dad’s current situation was impacting them and what they thought should happen as a result. However, they were unable to reach an agreement, mostly because one sibling who served as Conservator for their father thought another move would be too traumatic for dad, which he felt duty-bound to make his primary consideration. Meanwhile the son living closest to dad’s current housing could not imagine focusing on his own health and well-being while his father lived nearby, and wanted his siblings to give equal consideration to his needs.
I believe I felt almost as sad as the participants in both mediations when it became clear that they would not be able to get on the same page, despite everyone’s best efforts. However, in both cases, the person who had asked me for help assured me that they were glad that they gave the process a try, because it gave them the peace of mind that they had made every effort to reach family peace.
Do you or a friend, colleague or client have family members in conflict about their Elders’ housing, care, finances and/or end-of-life planning, who don’t think that mediation could help? Please, ask them to call or text me at 510-356-7830 or e-mail katharina@aginginharmony.com, so I can offer them a complimentary confidential consultation to explore how the process may benefit them and their families, even in the rare case that they don’t reach agreements.
Katharina W. Dress, M.A., Mediator / Facilitator / Conflict Coach
AGING IN HARMONY, Cell Phone: 510-356-7830
E-Mail: katharina@aginginharmony.com, Web: www.aginginharmony.com
Helping Feuding Families Become Peaceful Partners –
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