As an Elder Care Mediator, I help families resolve conflicts about their aging parents’ current and future housing, care, finances, and estate. An issue that often leads to tensions is how much care an Elder needs to be safe and whether they should receive it at home or in a Senior Community. Sometimes all adult children and grandchildren agree about what would be best for their parents or grandparents, but the older generation resists accepting the offered help. But even if an Elder is willing to follow the advice of their children and/or grandchildren, the younger generations often have strong disagreements.
Here are some examples for stages on the journey of aging when conflicts about needed care tend to arise:
- After their spouse has passed, mom or dad is living alone in the house where they’ve raised their family. Even though they feel lonely, start neglecting their self-care and experience frequent falls, they don’t want to leave the home that holds so many treasured memories for them. As a first step towards improving the situation, adult children often hire caregivers. But what if mom or dad refuses to allow “strangers” into the house and fire them when they show up to work?
- After living in their own home with the help of caregivers for a few years, mom or dad is getting so frail and/or forgetful that it’s no longer safe for them to live alone, unless care is provided 24/7. At this point, family members usually suggest a move to assisted living, which may be cheaper than around the clock care at home and provides much needed social contacts. Barriers to such a move are not just the Elder’s refusal to leave their home, but often also the children’s disagreements about the kind, location and cost of the senior housing that would be best.
- Even after an Elder has moved into Assisted Living, disagreements about their housing and care don’t stop. Progressive physical and mental decline lead to increased needs for support that cannot be provided in their current location. Once again the question becomes: Would it be best and affordable to provide needed private-pay care at mom’s or dads current housing, or should the Elder move to a higher level of care (skilled nursing or memory care), at the same community of another one?
At each of these points of transition, an Elder Care Mediator can offer support. No matter if the children and/or grandchildren would like to participate in mediation with or without their parent(s) or grandparent(s), the process helps the parties hear and understand each other in a safe space, so that they can express their thoughts and feelings without fear of escalation. Unless the Elder is in the later stages of dementia, it’s the mediator’s ethical responsibility to talk to them individually first and assess if they are willing and able to participate in the discussions about their future as well. Once all participants have been identified, they meet jointly to reach new understandings about each other’s concerns and hopes, and brainstorm possible solutions that work for everyone involved. At the end of each session, the mediator drafts a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) reflecting the agreements that were reached, in order to help all participants follow their new plans for their aging loved one’s housing and care.
Do you or a friend, colleague or client experience family conflicts about an Elder’s needed level of care? Please, ask them to call or text me at 510-356-7830 or e-mail katharina@aginginharmony.com, so I can offer them a complimentary confidential consultation to explore how Mediation may help them develop a collaborative care plan to ensure their aging loved one’s current and future safety and wellbeing.
Katharina W. Dress, M.A., Mediator / Facilitator / Conflict Coach
AGING IN HARMONY, Cell Phone: 510-356-7830
E-Mail: katharina@aginginharmony.com, Web: www.aginginharmony.com
Helping Feuding Families Become Peaceful Partners –
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