As an Elder Care Mediator, I mostly help families resolve conflicts about their aging parents’ current and future housing, care, finances, and estate. However, recently an adult daughter contacted me with a different problem: The relationship between her and her oldest sister had become so strained that she was afraid that the upcoming Holiday family gatherings would be unbearable for all generations. During initial individual confidential consultations with her and her two sisters, I learned that 3 issues had caused the tensions:
- For over 20 years, the other family members had not fully accepted their middle daughter’s husband and treated him so coldly that he no longer wanted to attend family gatherings.
- The aging parents continued to invite all three of their daughters including spouses and children to their bi-annual gatherings for Thanksgiving and Christmas, because they used to be among the highlights of their lives.
- While the middle and youngest daughter had overcome their differences and got along well, both of them felt dominated by their oldest sister.
The daughters agreed to my suggestion that we schedule a first mediation session without involving their parents, so they could openly and honestly discuss their feelings about their relationships. During this session, it became clear to all participants that the tensions about the family’s treatment of the middle sister’s husband was only the “presenting problem”. At the root of the siblings’ estrangement was that fact that, while the younger ones had looked up to their oldest sister as children, they had been unable to develop the kind of adult relationship based on equal partnership they were longing for. While the youngest sister had learned to accept her middle sister’s husband and healed the siblings’ relationship as a result, the eldest one held on to her judgments about the spouse that “didn’t fit in” and withdrew herself and her spouse and children from the middle sister’s family. At the end of our first mediation session with the three sisters, the participants accepted the painful insight that their only way forward was to accept each other’s choices, including their oldest sister’s desire to opt out of family gatherings. But how could they explain this to their parents?
After I met with the parents for an initial consultation, they agreed to participate in a second mediation session with their daughters, because they were longing to understand what was tearing their family apart. During the second session, the sisters explained openly to their parents what they had learned during their first session. They also discussed what each of them could do to better understand and act more welcoming to the middle daughter’s husband, which everyone seemed committed to try. Finally, the oldest daughter told her parents that under the current circumstances, she and her spouse and children would choose not to participate in Holiday family gatherings at least for this year. Although the parents were sad about that, they also felt relieved that this solution would allow the rest of the family to celebrate in peace and harmony, without them having to choose one of their children over another.
This story demonstrates a common phenomenon among American families: Since children typically move away for college and after graduating build their adult lives somewhere else, they tend to fall into their childhood roles during their limited visits with the members of their family of origin. Sibling tensions that arise are being ignored, in order to maintain family peace. However, often at some point the suppressed resentments boil over, forcing the siblings to make a choice: accept their estrangement or develop adult relationships and heal their family dynamics. I’m glad my recent clients have chosen the second option and invited me to support them on their journey.
Do you or a friend, colleague or client experience conflicts between adult siblings that stand in the way of enjoying joint Holiday family gatherings? Please, ask them to call or text me at 510-356-7830 or e-mail katharina@aginginharmony.com, so I can offer them a complimentary confidential consultation to explore how Mediation can help them heal family relationships and restore peace and harmony.
Katharina W. Dress, M.A., Mediator / Facilitator / Conflict Coach
AGING IN HARMONY, Cell Phone: 510-356-7830
E-Mail: katharina@aginginharmony.com, Web: www.aginginharmony.com
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