As an Elder Care Mediator, I help families resolve conflicts about their aging parents’ current and future housing, care, and estate. These conflicts frequently focus on financial issues, especially when the parents no longer can manage their own money. Fortunately, most of my aging clients have an estate plan that assigns someone as their Power of Attorney for the Estate in case they are temporarily or permanently unable to make and implement financial decisions. Most often, parents name one or several of their children for this role. Unfortunately, both strategies can lead to conflicts between the adult children. Here are a couple of examples from my recent practice:
- In one family, when dad was showing signs of dementia, he trained his oldest son to manage his and his wife’s finances. The understanding was that the son would do this for his mother after dad was unable to handle these tasks or had passed on. The parents also named the son as executor of their will. The arrangement worked well enough while dad was alive. However, after he was gone, conflicts arose both between the son and his mother and between him and his siblings. While all of them had been used to their husband/dad making financial decisions that impacted them, they felt very differently when their son/brother took on this role. In addition, the siblings were upset, because they had not explicitly been told by their father that he assigned their brother to manage the family funds after he was gone. Although the son did his best to fulfil his promise to his dad, the situation caused so much stress and distrust between all family members that they turned to me for mediation.
- In another family, the parents had assigned all three of their children as joint Powers of Attorney and co-trustees of their family trust. They were hoping that treating them equally would avoid sibling rivalry. Initially their mother was co-trustee as well. However, soon after her husband’s passing, she showed signs of dementia and resigned from that role. This is when conflicts between the siblings arose, because one of them took the lead managing their mother’s finances, while one of the others disagreed with some of the decisions that were made. When the third sibling’s attempt to mediate between them failed, they reached out to me for help.
Both families’ stories demonstrate how life-long tensions between siblings can escalate when one or all of them are given the responsibility to manage their aging parents’ finances. Despite the parents’ best intentions, neither arrangement was able to avoid conflicts about family funds. I’m happy to report that the first family already met for mediation with mom and her son and daughters and agreed on a plan that we’re hoping will increase clarity, transparency, collaboration, and trust between all parties. In the second family, the siblings agreed to meet for mediation without their mother, which I hope will be equally successful.
Do you or a friend, colleague or client have adult children fighting about the management of their aging parents’ finances, whether that power was given to one or all the siblings? Please, ask them to call or text me at 510-356-7830 or e-mail katharina@aginginharmony.com, so I can offer them a complimentary confidential consultation to explore how Mediation can help them restore family peace and trust.
Katharina W. Dress, M.A., Mediator / Facilitator / Conflict Coach
AGING IN HARMONY, Cell Phone: 510-356-7830
E-Mail: katharina@aginginharmony.com, Web: www.aginginharmony.com
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