As an Elder Care Mediator, I usually get contacted by adult children who are in conflict with their aging parents and/or siblings about the future or the parents’ housing, care, finances and estate plans. However, recently a son approached me with a different request: He and his siblings were concerned about increasing tensions between their parents in their nineties and were wondering if I could help them get along better. I was intrigued by the challenge, because I know that “Silver Divorce” is a growing phenomenon in the US, with the number of cases between spouses aged 65+ tripling between 1990 and 2021. Eager to help his parents avoid a divorce, I suggested to the son that I meet with mom and dad separately, so each of them could confidentially tell me why they were upset with their spouse of over 60 years. Only afterwards would I be able to suggest if and how I may be able to support them on their journey.
As a first step, the children called a family meeting and invited the parents to meet with me, with the understanding that if they decided to work with me my services would be a gift from their children. While mom expressed an interest in getting to know me, dad was hesitant at first. However, after his wife reported that she met with me and thought I could help them, dad agreed to meet with me as well. During my initial visits with each of the parties, I discovered that there was a lot of overlap between their concerns, although they had very different views regarding the issues that caused tensions between them.
Next I talked with the son again and offered two different kind of services that I thought may help his parents:
1) A facilitated meeting/mediation session with mom and dad, to identify the “points of contention” between them and help them understand their different points of view, feelings and hopes. The goal of the session would be to negotiate some specific agreements how they could deal with the controversial issues in the future.
2) A series of Compassionate Communication coaching sessions, during which the parents would learn and practice new tools to discuss their differences in the future, instead of letting them fester and lead to estrangement.
During another family meeting the children explained the two options to their parents and suggested that they try a facilitated meeting/mediation session first, to be followed by coaching sessions if desired. They hesitantly agreed to meet with me for another preparation meeting, so I could answer all their questions and concerns about the alternatives I was offering. At the end of that meeting, both parents agreed to plan a joint session of 3-4 hours with me and decide afterwards if they were interested in coaching sessions as well.
I was very much looking forward to the opportunity to help this couple continue to live together in love and harmony after sharing their lives for over 60 years. And I’m happy to report that during our 4-hour-long meeting, they were able to express their feelings and concerns openly and honestly and reach a long list of agreements regarding their future interactions. They also appreciated when I asked them to reflect back what the other partner had said and noticed how this technique helped them learn new things about each other that they never realized before, so they agreed to continue to use this skill during their future discussions about contentious issues. All three of us left the meeting with a deep sense of gratitude and hope. I can’t wait to check in with them again in a couple of months to see how they are getting along!
Do you or a friend, colleague or client have parents struggling with conflicts during their later years that they didn’t experience when their kids were growing up? Please, ask them to call or text me at 510-356-7830 or e-mail katharina@aginginharmony.com, so I can offer them a complimentary confidential consultation to explore how a Facilitated Meeting/Mediation or Compassionate Communication Sessions may help mom and dad continue to share their lives in love and harmony.
Katharina W. Dress, M.A., Mediator / Facilitator / Conflict Coach
AGING IN HARMONY, Cell Phone: 510-356-7830
E-Mail: katharina@aginginharmony.com, Web: www.aginginharmony.com
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