As an Elder Care Mediator, I frequently get contacted by adult children who are fighting with family members about their aging parents’ care. Most recently some of them reached out to me, because they had a special reason to be in conflict with their sibling: While the one who asked me for help was trying to manage their parent’s finances in their best interest, their stay-at-home sibling had other plans for the funds and family home. Here are a couple of examples from my recent practice:
- A son contacted me, because he was exhausted trying to manage his nonagenarian dad’s care and finances in addition to taking care of his own family and a full-time job. He thought it was time for dad to move to assisted living, which would require the sale of his home. However, his sister, who had given up her job and moved back in with her parents near the end of their mother’s life a few years ago, was committed to keeping dad at home, so she could continue to live rent-fee and eventually inherit half of the property.
- In another case, a daughter reached out to me for help, because she was fighting with her brother, who had lived with his mother since before their father’s death and was now spending down her savings. Unfortunately, the siblings had joint Powers of Attorney (POA) for Finances, while mom was getting very forgetful and unable to manage her bills. The daughter thought that her mom would be better off moving to assisted living and selling the family home, but her brother objected, because he relied on the free room and board his mother provided. When his sister confronted him about the impact his lifestyle was having on their mother’s finances and well-being, the brother stopped communicating with her. So the sister arranged a family meeting with their mother’s banker to try to resolve the issue, but mom expressed her wishes to continue living and supporting her son, leaving her daughter powerless to protect her savings.
What both cases have in common is an adult live-at-home child who is so dependent on their parent for housing and money that they stand in the way of mom or dad getting the care they need. The big difference between both situations is that in the first example, the brother had sole POA for dad’s finances, putting him in a strong position to negotiate with his sister. As a result, the siblings agreed to come to mediation, where they reached agreements about a plan that would ensure dad’s health and safety, while helping the sister gain financial independence if and when dad moved to assisted living.
In contrast, the brother in the second example refused to consider mediation, because the family meeting with his mother’s banker confirmed that his sister had no power to act alone against her mother’s expressed wishes to continue to support her son – unless and until her mental state declined to the point that a court would declare her incapacitated and assign a conservator to manage her finances.
Are you or a friend, colleague or client facing conflicts between a live-in-child and a sibling trying to protect their aging parent’s assets? Please, ask them to call or text me at 510-356-7830 or e-mail katharina@aginginharmony.com, so I can offer them a complimentary confidential consultation to explore how a Facilitated Family Meeting or Elder Care Mediation process can help them work together to ensure their mom’s or dad’s financial security and adequate care.
Katharina W. Dress, M.A., Mediator / Facilitator / Conflict Coach
AGING IN HARMONY, Cell Phone: 510-356-7830
E-Mail: katharina@aginginharmony.com, Web: www.aginginharmony.com
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