As an Elder Care Mediator, I frequently get contacted by adult children who are fighting with family members about their aging parents’ care. But recently some second spouses reached out to me for help, because their partner’s children from a prior marriage wanted to be in charge of their mom’s or dad’s care. The special dynamic of blended families can make the decision who should care for an aging loved one especially complicated. Here are a couple of examples from my recent practice:
- A second husband had recently moved his wife into assisted living after she needed more support than he could safely provide at home. He visited her frequently and had every intention to continue to manage her care. However, her daughter from a previous marriage was upset that she hadn’t been consulted about her mom’s move. She therefore helped her mother change her medical Power of Attorney and put her daughter instead of her husband in charge of her health care decisions. The husband was very upset and considered contesting the change in court, because he thought the daughter had exerted undue influence on his wife, who had some cognitive impairment. He considered inviting the daughter to mediation, but realized that she would have no motivation to participate in this voluntary process unless he took legal action first. After talking to his wife and thinking things over, he decided to let it go, because a legal battle would put too much strain on him and his wife.
- In another case, a second wife had recently moved her husband into a memory care community after a hospital stay left him too frail to safely live at home. Shortly after his move the community’s administrator contacted her, because their staff was confused about whether they should take direction from their new resident’s wife or son, who spent a lot of time visiting his dad. This was very upsetting to the wife, because her husband’s son had also gotten more involved in his care at the hospital than she thought was appropriate. Since the wife had Power of Attorney for her husband’s health care, she told his son that he would no longer be allowed to visit his dad if he didn’t “back off”. When the son realized that his stepmom had the right to limit access to his dad, he readily agreed to participate in mediation. During their joint session, the wife and son shared how much both of them loved their husband/dad and only had his best interest at heart. They then discussed ways to collaborate in his best interest and agreed on guidelines that would allow the son to support his dad while respecting his wife’s role as decision maker regarding his care. I felt deeply moved by their open and honest discussion and am optimistic that they’ll be able to improve their communication and relationship to benefit everyone involved.
Are you or a friend, colleague or client facing conflicts with members of their blended family about an aging spouse’s care? Please, ask them to call or text me at 510-356-7830 or e-mail katharina@aginginharmony.com, so I can offer them a complimentary confidential consultation to explore how a Facilitated Family Meeting or Elder Care Mediation process can help them work together in their loved one’s best interest.
Katharina W. Dress, M.A., Mediator / Facilitator / Conflict Coach
AGING IN HARMONY, Cell Phone: 510-356-7830
E-Mail: katharina@aginginharmony.com, Web: www.aginginharmony.com
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