As an Elder Care Mediator, I mostly help families resolve conflicts about their aging parents’ current and future housing, care, finances, and estate. Although usually all parties have their parents’ or grandparents’ best interest at heart, they disagree about what that should look like. Since everyone feels strongly about the issues at hand, emotions run high and misunderstandings can easily lead to conflicts. When I ask potential clients how they have tried to communicate with their family members, they often say “mostly by e-mail and text. We avoid talking to each other, because that only leads to fights.” In my experience, these communication choices contribute significantly to the escalation of family conflicts. Here is why:
- The widely cited Albert Mehrabian study suggests that words convey only 7%, tone of voice 38%, and body language 55% of communication about feelings and attitudes. Therefore, written communication is least likely to lead to mutual understanding, in comparison to phone calls, that convey the tone of voice, and video-conferencing and in person conversations, that include body language.
- E-mails and texts are particularly problematic for sharing feelings and personal opinions, because most people read them on the small screens of their phones, which often results in not reading the entire message.
- When people have an emotional reaction to an e-mail or text, they tend to respond in the spur of the moment. Therefore, these forms of communication are even more likely to escalate conflicts than responding in writing with an old-fashioned letter, which allows the writer to take time to contemplate their response.
Unfortunately, once people reach out to me for help, their tensions usually have escalated to the point that they are no longer able to have calm conversations in person. Sometimes they ask family members who get along with everyone to help “mediate”. However, their attempts tend to fail, because they have their personal relationships with all the parties and their own opinions about the topics under discussion.
In contrast, a mediator is a neutral third party with no prior relationships with any of the family members involved in the conflict. Of course, mediators also have training and experience in helping parties hear and understand each other even when emotions run high. In addition, trained Elder Care Mediators are familiar with the many issues that can lead to conflicts on the journey of aging.
When a member of a family in conflict first contacts me, I offer that person an individual confidential consultation, so we can get to know each other and explore together how I may be able to help. If that person likes what I have to offer and agrees to work with me, I schedule individual initial consultations with all other parties, so they get the same opportunity to tell me their side of the story before they decide if they’d like to participate in mediation with me. Since all these consultations are conducted by Zoom or in person, they provide a good opportunity to create mutual connection and understanding between me and the potential clients.
If at the end of these consultations enough family members choose to move forward, we schedule a joint meeting of multiple hours with all parties involved – also conducted by Zoom or in person, depending on the clients’ location and preference. During these mediation sessions, I help the parties hear and understand each other in a safe space, so that they can express their emotions without fear of escalation. Once the parties have reached new understandings about each other’s concerns and hopes, we move forward to brainstorm possible solutions that work for everyone involved. At the end of each session, I draft a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) reflecting the agreements that were reached and ask if the parties would like to schedule a follow-up session if needed. In most cases, the MOU includes plans about how the family members will communicate in the future, so e-mails and texts won’t undermine their new-found connection and understanding.
Do you or a friend, colleague or client experience conflicts between family members who communicate mostly by e-mail or text? Please, ask them to call or text me at 510-356-7830 or e-mail katharina@aginginharmony.com, so I can offer them a complimentary confidential consultation to explore how Mediation can help them reach new understandings and restore family peace and harmony.
Katharina W. Dress, M.A., Mediator / Facilitator / Conflict Coach
AGING IN HARMONY, Cell Phone: 510-356-7830
E-Mail: katharina@aginginharmony.com, Web: www.aginginharmony.com
Helping Feuding Families Become Peaceful Partners –
In-Person, by Phone, or Online via Zoom
